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How to Get the Help You Want
by Hannah McHugh
Many of us don’t want help because time and again the help we get isn’t the help we want. If you’ve ever thought “If I wanted it done right I should have done it myself” then you know what I’m talking about. Or maybe the person helping you takes over instead of following your plan. I’m sure we’ve all been there so I’m going to give you a few tips for getting the help you need.
- Communicate what you want: be specific and direct. It’s hard! I know. But it makes a huge difference. Take these two examples: “Can you come help me, I need support” or “Can you help me by asking if I need multiples of the same thing? I know I’m downsizing, but sometimes I’m going to need to think out loud with you to help me figure out what I want.” The first example is likely to yield whatever support your friend thinks you want. That could mean you’ll get tough love, endless positivity, questioning every decision, or something else. In the second example it’s more specific. You are letting the person know what support will look like which means they may be much more likely to actually be able to provide it! People want to be helpful. I really believe that. But in the absence of specific direction all they can offer is their best guess. Which while not ill-intentioned isn’t as helpful as it could be. So help them help you and be specific and direct with the help you want.
- Be selective. It’s ok to have different people for help with different types of tasks. I might have one friend listen to me while I tearfully pack up my space with the goal being to say goodbye more than it is to load the boxes. I might have a different friend help me with the big push to load donations into the truck. Both are super useful. But not everyone is the best pick for every task. My loader friend may have no patience for the emotional aspects. My feeling friend may have an injury that prevents them from heavy lifting. Again, people want to be helpful, so giving them tasks that they have the physical and emotional attention for, makes a big difference.
- Say no to some help. Your time and energy are valuable! If you know that the person offering help isn’t going to be helpful, say no! They usually mean well, of course, but if you have to re-do work because your helper couldn’t follow the system you wanted, is it worth it? Or maybe your helper wants to spend the entire time talking about all the stressful moves they’ve made in their life and how moving is the worst, leaving you emotionally and physically drained. Either figure out how to change the subject or say no thanks to their help.
Help for Hire: Declutter Kitsap exists because we have the skills and the attention to provide effective physical and emotional support for your home organization project. Our whole focus is you and your needs. We want you to tell us what does and doesn’t work for you (and if you don’t know we’ll help you there too!). We understand that you have options when it comes to home organizers in Kitsap County and beyond and are grateful for the opportunity to take tasks off your to-do list so that you can focus on areas of your life that bring you joy.
What Gets in Our Way
by Hannah McHugh
So many people tell me “I should be able to get my house organized on my own” as they explain how tired and overwhelmed they feel about their home and belongings. They express shame and embarrassment over struggling. All the while, as they struggle the feelings get bigger and the disorganization grows.
Why do so many of us feel like we should go it alone? And why do we feel so badly when we struggle?
As a former middle school teacher, I am very familiar with the embarrassment of “failing”, resistance to help, and disorganization. These are human experiences that aren’t limited to adults or to teens. The reasoning behind it varies for everyone but some common influences may include
- Overt or unintentional messaging from the adults around us when we were young (Guests are coming! Let’s spends hours getting the house “ready”)
- Shows & Movies and movies depicting solo-functioning protagonists who don’t need help except for the occasional pat on the back from their sidekick
- Observations of how others were (mis)treated when they were learning, made mistakes, or did things differently
- A “Keep up with the Jones’” mentality that promotes critical comparison
- Rigid ideas about what a home/office “should” look like that doesn’t take into account different people’s preferences, neurodivergent needs, or values.
- Feelings about chores (were chores used as a punishment or as a time the family worked together?)
Try This: Grab a journal, open a blank document, or find a listening partner. Choose an amount of time (5 minutes? 15 minutes?). Write or talk about what it was like to do chores when you were young. What feelings come up when you think about decluttering or organizing now? Who did you see putting things away when you were young and how did they feel about it? When the time is up, stop. If you choose to repeat this activity in a few days or weeks you may notice new thoughts, ideas, or memories! This is a good thing.
* A note about listening partners: a listening partner is someone who agrees to listen to you for a period of time while you think and feel. When the time is up, switch so that you can listen to your partner. The time is not intended to be a back and forth conversation. The listener should avoid asking questions or chiming in with their thoughts or experiences. Let the talker take the lead and follow their mind and express their feelings.
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